Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
