after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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