dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
