I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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