her facebook's as public as her vagina
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
