He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
