i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
