Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
