do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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