im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
