I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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