there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
