i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
