someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
