Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
