I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
