i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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