wrigley field is MILF paradise
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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