naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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