Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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