i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
