some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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