How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize