Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
