if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
