After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
