Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
