My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
