You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
