i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
