whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I AM VODKA MAN
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
