Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
