I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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