I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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