hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
