Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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