If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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