I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
