You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
