a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
