I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
