Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
