peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize