Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
