Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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