I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
