Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
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