I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
People with herpes should wear stickers.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
