well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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