dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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