I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
