Four minutes until I can fart!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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