Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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