I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I did not marry a roomba.
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