it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
