"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
