you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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