Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
