I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
